Living a Lie

I have not written anything to the blog in a while.  I thought I needed to express some feelings and thoughts that might be misconstrued if I continue to respond on the good, ole Facebook.

The last 8 months has been a struggle for sure.  I have been nursing wounds that I still have faith that my God will heal.   My physical therapy is going good and I am practicing walking with my prosthetic.  I am very grateful and blessed to be where I am in such a short amount of time.

The thought of ‘nursing some wounds’ hit me.  We all have some kinds of wounds that we nurse, albeit physical or emotional.  I have both.  The emotional ones are healing and God is working on where I need to be.  Over the past 7 years, I have been healing from a devastating hurt from people who I thought where my friends and certainly were my spiritual guides.  God showed me through that time in my life that hurting people hurt others.  Everyone has their own baggage, either drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, profanity or even just emotions that we exaggerate.  I fall into a lot of these categories at times and find myself having to ask for forgiveness.  It made me start to explore the bible to see what I am doing wrong.  Why do I continue to feel the way I do in areas that the bible seems to deem wrong?

I decided that I was going to LIVE OUT LOUD.  I was not going to hide my sins, or what others perceive as sins.  I am not a closet sinner anymore.  I like to have the occasional drink and by what I read in the bible, is not a sin.  Drinking to get drunk is a sin.  Being out of control in your drinking is a sin.  Am I telling you this to try to sway you into my way of thinking?  No.  I do realize that by taking a drink, some feel like they are sinning or are afraid it will lead to getting out of control.  I understand that some had a hard time with this and it is something they like to stay away from altogether.  I am not one of them so why do you continue to chastise me for it?  Why do you make me feel like I am sinning when I am in control and I am within the parameters of the bible?  I could lie to you and tell you that I don’t do this and turn around and have to ask forgiveness for it.  But ask for what?  Having a glass of wine after dinner?  Having a glass at the wedding I just attended?  I have not sinned, so don’t judge me for it.

I could go through a bunch of other controversial, Christian beliefs and tell you what the bible says.  You can look it up for yourself to see what it says.  The one example is enough.  What I don’t understand is why people that are great Christians and are our spiritual guides and leaders, continue to tell us that we are sinning just by the mere viewing of a photo or by a rant that you comment on another’s FB post.  Just because you are convicted of it, does not give you the right to judge us.  Tell us the truth.  Tell us what the bible says.

I grew up in a home with a mother who told me that the CHURCH says not to do ________.  You fill it in.  I was told about wearing makeup, jewelry, shorts, pants, going to a G rated movie, etc.  When I asked why I couldn’t and what the bible said, I was told that I was rebelling against my mother and that I would have to ask for forgiveness.  That is when I decided to start living my life according to what the bible says.

I guess I am writing this to warn you about what you say in public.  I have to admit I am guilty of this also.  It is okay to give us the facts of the bible and tell us your opinion.  But it is NOT your right to lump us into categories that we do not fit into.  Why do you do this?  Because you feel like you are trying to win the hearts of the sinners over to God.  I get that.  It is what we all should be doing at Christians.  But what you are doing is turning off the hearts of the Christians under your care or with whom you are friends with.  They feel hurt by the one little belief you have that is not substantiated by the bible.  The one thing they may have an issue with and are trying to fix in their life.  It is not enough of a problem to be considered a sin but by the way you speak to them, they feel like you are judging them.  That turns them off and turns them away farther.

Be careful what you say and how you say it and be prepared to back it up by the only guide that matters, the bible.  Thank you for listening.  God bless.

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“YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION!” …… NOT!

I have not written in a while due to an injury.  On August 14th, I fell in my house and hyper-extended my knee.  I tore an artery and that caused me to have 2 surgeries to do bypass graphs.  The second one worked.  They started me on heparin and I developed HIT (Heparin-Induced Thrombocytopenia)  which basically caused my blood platelets to drop and I lost the circulation in my foot.  I had to have it amputated.  I have also had 2 External Fixators put into my leg that makes it a total of 5 surgeries total.  I have an upcoming surgery on October 10th to take out the Ex Fix.  Then another surgery to fix my knee.  Hopefully by then I will be finished.

I have spent the last 7 weeks in the hospital and a rehab center.  I had to fight to be released.  It has been a rough struggle and it was not easy.  I kept hearing, as I told my story, that I was an inspiration to them and that I gave them strength to get through their own issues.  I wish I could take credit for this.  I am NOT the inspiration.

The first part of my journey in the hospital was a blur.  The first two weeks I was on heavy pain killers, Morphine and Oxycodone.  Once I was awake enough to realize that I was a zombie, I stopped taking the hard stuff and they gave me Tramadol and Tylenol and kept pushing the Oxy.  I refused.  Even Frank, my husband, was upset.  He didn’t want to see me in pain.

The next week or so, I started having panic attacks in the evenings.  There were less people around and I felt isolated and alone in my bed.  I tried to occupy my mind but it didn’t always work.  I still to this day have a little bit of anxiety that may be tied to some meds.

What helped?  GOD!  I had slipped away a bit over the last few years and tried to maintain but it isn’t very helpful unless you really believe.  From day one, I felt God helping me.  I have maintained my faith and feel his presence every day..  I have no choice.  I feel obligated.  Why?  God should be a choice.  Well, that is true.  He IS.

To save something for the book, I will sum it up with this.  Be careful what you ask for.  Maybe you don’t mean to ask.  Maybe you just feel they are related when they are not.  Either way, when you are handed something, you have to take the responsibility for your actions.  Take control of your situation and move forward.

If I stop to ask God why he allowed this to happen, I would become bitter and hurt again.  I just found my way back into the graces of God and I want to move forward and heal.  I want to get my life back and go on drives with my husband or go to a festival together before it gets cold.  I don’t want to be the complainer and stay depressed because I do not have a leg.  God gives me my strength every day and has helped with my leg pain since I have been home.  I am not an inspiration to anyone, God is.

God gives me my strength, my pain relief, dries my tears and is healing my leg.  I WILL WALK AGAIN, in Jesus name.  He is my everything right now.  I can’t do any of this without him.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!

 

I am a writer

I have been writing for 30 years.  I started in junior high when things started to go awry at home.  Like most writers, I write what i feel.  I became a stay at home wife September 1, 2014.  This blog was create to share my thoughts, feelings and works.

I have 1 published Novella, 5 individual unpublished novels, a 15 volume unpublished serial, and 2 other novels that i am currently working on.