“YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION!” …… NOT!

I have not written in a while due to an injury.  On August 14th, I fell in my house and hyper-extended my knee.  I tore an artery and that caused me to have 2 surgeries to do bypass graphs.  The second one worked.  They started me on heparin and I developed HIT (Heparin-Induced Thrombocytopenia)  which basically caused my blood platelets to drop and I lost the circulation in my foot.  I had to have it amputated.  I have also had 2 External Fixators put into my leg that makes it a total of 5 surgeries total.  I have an upcoming surgery on October 10th to take out the Ex Fix.  Then another surgery to fix my knee.  Hopefully by then I will be finished.

I have spent the last 7 weeks in the hospital and a rehab center.  I had to fight to be released.  It has been a rough struggle and it was not easy.  I kept hearing, as I told my story, that I was an inspiration to them and that I gave them strength to get through their own issues.  I wish I could take credit for this.  I am NOT the inspiration.

The first part of my journey in the hospital was a blur.  The first two weeks I was on heavy pain killers, Morphine and Oxycodone.  Once I was awake enough to realize that I was a zombie, I stopped taking the hard stuff and they gave me Tramadol and Tylenol and kept pushing the Oxy.  I refused.  Even Frank, my husband, was upset.  He didn’t want to see me in pain.

The next week or so, I started having panic attacks in the evenings.  There were less people around and I felt isolated and alone in my bed.  I tried to occupy my mind but it didn’t always work.  I still to this day have a little bit of anxiety that may be tied to some meds.

What helped?  GOD!  I had slipped away a bit over the last few years and tried to maintain but it isn’t very helpful unless you really believe.  From day one, I felt God helping me.  I have maintained my faith and feel his presence every day..  I have no choice.  I feel obligated.  Why?  God should be a choice.  Well, that is true.  He IS.

To save something for the book, I will sum it up with this.  Be careful what you ask for.  Maybe you don’t mean to ask.  Maybe you just feel they are related when they are not.  Either way, when you are handed something, you have to take the responsibility for your actions.  Take control of your situation and move forward.

If I stop to ask God why he allowed this to happen, I would become bitter and hurt again.  I just found my way back into the graces of God and I want to move forward and heal.  I want to get my life back and go on drives with my husband or go to a festival together before it gets cold.  I don’t want to be the complainer and stay depressed because I do not have a leg.  God gives me my strength every day and has helped with my leg pain since I have been home.  I am not an inspiration to anyone, God is.

God gives me my strength, my pain relief, dries my tears and is healing my leg.  I WILL WALK AGAIN, in Jesus name.  He is my everything right now.  I can’t do any of this without him.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!

 

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